More nightmares

I'm going to post this straight... take a page from Lucia or something....

Adrenaline pumping, the evil weapon just crushed the head of Ryan, victory at last, but the explosions, I have lived this moment a hundred times in a loop already, I try anything to get them out ahead of me, every time I hear her scream. I hear her scream "Wait!" did that happen last time? Am I making stuff up now?

This time I wait... I wait for her to catch up, she has knife in hand, she plunges it into my stomach, as parts of the warehouse falls, I feel her hand, pulling into my stomach, I feel her pull my guts, I hear her whisper "I hate you" and "You disgust me" telling my in the sweetness of her voice how "You let me die, you failed us both" and "Your just going to let the girl die too"

I lay there, her face contorted, burned half off, most of her hair gone, holding my intestines in her hand, pulling them out slow, Now I see Antonio... half his head is gone, crushed off "You failed us Paul, you should have stayed" 

I didn't notice he was holding my eye... the one I lost, I wonder how "We can kill you now so you can join us" they say...

My only response is "Thank you" as they pull me apart....

Then I woke up feeling a weight on me, Anna was laying on my back keeping me wraped up in my bedroll, I guess I started flailing a bit and woke her up, and she was hoping I'd calm down, she sat up and asked if I wanted to talk about it.

Maya used to do that, and the fact Anna was starting to remind of Maya was really disturbing me.

"There getting worse" I mention

"I can tell" she replies "But you were going to hurt yourself like that"

I tell her about the dream, I'm crying openly, because at some level, I wished that had happened, that I'm just going to get her killed, that anyone traveling with me is going to be killed.

She just listens, then sits by me and hugs me as I bury my head in my hands, having the worst freak out in weeks, the damn broke with the dream... I scream, I rage... I hate... I let all the pain out.... she just listens and understands....

I make an oath... I will never call the Black Bokken out... I will never used that thing I used to kill with... I'll die first....

I know I still have a long way to go, these freakouts are no longer being the little tremors that they were... there like magnitude 8.0 earthquakes....

But maybe that just means I'm finally letting it all escape, to purge the pain from me, rather than let it bleed out.

I don't like not being in control, but I now know what I have to do... I have to go back to Tacoma...

We leave tomorrow....